I got a Puppy for my 24th Birthday

Now I realize that I have been a little silent on my blog, and I wanted to explain myself. Meet Austin, my 10-week old birthday puppy. If you don't have a dog, or don't care too much, just scan the pics. Otherwise enjoy my rather detailed dog-servations.

For me, getting a puppy is no small thing. I've never raised a puppy. I grew up in a home with dogs, but none of them were solely my responsibility. While living on my own, I did care for an adult Malamute/Husky Saber before he died, but never a puppy. I had to come to terms with some pretty sobering facts: I will probably have this dog until I'm 36! I will probably get married and have children while owning this dog. The freedom to travel through Europe for the summer is greatly hindered by owning a dog. After I'd exhausted my own, my mom offered her share of fears too, like liability if the dog bites someone, trainability and whether I have enough time to properly commit to rearing an animal. But after weighing the options, and dealing with my reservations, I decided to make the commitment.

After deciding to get a dog, then there were the breed considerations; pedigree, pound, or puppy-mill rescue, and the age possibilities of between 8 weeks to one year. After Googling (they call me "The Google-izer because I google everything) I visited Wayside Waifs, the local Humane Society for animal adoptions, and came across Austin (named after Jill, not Jane). The moment I saw him, I knew he was "the one." After playing with him, doing some additional breed research and bracing myself for a big change, I signed the papers, he had surgery, and I took him home.






I've had Austin for a couple weeks now, and after four years of living alone, it has been quite an adjustment to my lifestyle (and my sleep schedule with those 4 am puppy bathroom breaks). But it's been 3 weeks and things are going pretty good. House training is going great, basic commands, socialization and temperament, shots, finding a vet, etc. are proceeding along just fine. I'm not saying it's not hard, but it's also definitely rewarding.

My list of things that make owning a dog a little easier

1. Midwest Select Triple Door Dog Crate. How could you ever house train without a crate? Things have been going great since I picked this one up at Petmart. Austin only had accidents in it for the first few days, now he's clean and dry, loves his bed, takes naps in it every afternoon voluntarily, and I've been able to expand his sleeping area to half the kennel size. Good dog.

2. Zuke's Dog Treats: Thanks to the Brookside Barkery, home of all things natural and delightfully expensive for your pets, I came across these all-natural dog treats and teeth cleaners, which my dog absolutely loves (unfortunately due to the price tag). Now I'm buying him the gourmet treats online (sorry Brookside, but they're a lot cheaper). I'll make a snob out of him yet. I also really like the NOW! Puppy Chow, but there's quite a hefty price to that as well so for now he's on Eukanuba. I'm sticking with natural treats except for...

3. Rachel Ray's Hamburger Dog Treats. They are $1 a bag at Wal-Mart, and the dog loves them.

4. Puppy classes at Wayside Waifs. Austin loves puppy classes and he's learning so fast! There's only 4 or 5 puppies in each class, and you get one-on-one attention. Through the moral support of the class, Austin is learning bite inhibition, conquered his fear of the stairs, socializes with puppies every week, and is learning sit, down, stay and come. (He's incredible at sit, impressive at stay, tolerable at down and terrible with come. Glad we've still got some more classes.) Thanks to our instructor, Skip Daiger

5. Shawnee Mission Dog Park The dog park is a 53-acre off-leash area features a dog swim beach and wood chip and natural surface trails through grassland and wooded areas. The area also includes paved parking and portable toilets. Austin gets to meet lots of new friends, puppies, grown-up dogs, children and people. He's so cute, he always gets attention. One note: Shawnee Mission Park is chock full of deer so make sure you and your pup have appropriate tick repellent. Neither of you want to get lyme disease :(

6. Kong Chew Toys Austin's gonna be a chewer, this much I've figured out. To get him started chewing on the right things, I got him a Puppy Kong Chew toy. I spent literally hours at different times and different places looking at puppy toys. Most of them were just ridiculous and cheap. I took one look at the "stuffed Christmas themed bear" and went, "yep that'll get ripped apart and swallowed before dinner." Or those cheap squeaker chew toys? Annoying. So I did some research. I figured if I could find 5-10 durable, healthy toys that would last for a while and I didn't have to worry about him ingesting them while he's bored in the middle of the night, it would probably be worth spending a few more dollars. All my friends agree on the Puppy Kong.

7. Petsmart Grooming: With a puppy like Austin, he likes to get wet, dirty and have lots of fun. I'm not in the confident place of washing (and drying) him myself, especially in the cold weather, so it was a lifesaver when I discovered Petsmart Grooming gives puppies under 6 months a bath for $10.99. Yep, can't beat that with a stick, and he gets some more socialization time. They always say he's a little angel, and he gets to say "hey!" to some 5-10 other people in the store on the way in and out, while I get to go shopping.

8. The Stuffed Duck. In the world of dog toys, nothing so far compared to the stuffed mallard duck. It's got a not-so-annoying, somewhat believable quack, and Austin LOVES it. He sleeps with his duck, plays puppy ATTACK! with his duck, and drags it around the house.

9. Dr. Lyle at Crest Animal Hospital. Finding a vet can be a little difficult. When Saber was sick, we went to Banfield, which is the clinic our of Petsmart. To be honest, it just felt a little commercial to me - like they see way too many animals. Growing up, we went to a vet in Richmond Missouri who was the nicest lady - she was also a farm vet, so it wasn't unusual to see horse trailers parked outside her office. There is something special about that small-town practice, and the personal care provide. Vets are like dentists, and recommendations are always a good place to start. Wayside recommended Dr. Lyle, and I couldn't be happier AND he's my neighbor.

I know I'm learning a lot about dogs, but I'm also learning a lot about me. I have to tell you, it's been great coming home and not thinking and worrying about work, coming up with some new "strategies" or internally rehashing my relationships, or over-analyzing my future. Right now, everything is... "Do you need to go outside?" And that's okay.

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Right now, I'm out in California in a dorm room as I'm spending time with some kindred spirits before we begin a rather intense conference in the Pasadena area. For two days, I have been with friends (and moms) tackling the deep things of the human heart in relationships, betrayal, love, marriage, trust, family and future over lunch and pedicures. By now, I am what can best be described as emotionally wasted. And then tonight, my boyfriend calls to break up with me. "Our ministries [sorry, correction, apparently he said "callings." He wanted me to clarify. See disclaimer in comments.] are going in different directions... I think we have different theology... I hope I didn't ruin your weekend." Yep, you did. In the midst of feeling rather, well devastated, I am thinking about all that my friends and I have been talking about this weekend: How to live with an open heart.

In the past few months, you may have noticed that I've taken a few theology classes with Stephen Venable at the IHOPU. In sequential order: Mystical Life of Communion, Christology, Introduction to Biblical Doctrine, and Gospels and the Life of Christ. (I really recommend Stephen's classes, some of which you can watch online from IHOP.) In some ways, I feel like I've been meeting Jesus for the first time all over again.

When one begins to look at Jesus, not Christianity, not eschatology or theology, not the Pauline Epistles or the Torah, but Jesus, the Person, His life, His story, His emotions, His journey, you begin to see the disparity between the the supremacy Jesus, and everything else. I just keep thinking about that passage, "That in all things, He might have the preeminence." What does it mean when Jesus the Person has the first place in EVERYTHING? One of the things I love about this new Jesus I am meeting, (the real one whose acquaintance is based on His terms, not my stereotypes), is how He lived so fully and completely alive.

I've been meditating on Jesus in the midst of overwhelming emotions. I'm trying to learn what it means to give Him that first place; how to walk that out. I'm learning that with Jesus, there were no hindrances to the depth of His emotions, no self-defense walls, or self-preservation tactics. In this Jesus, we see how He takes on our frame, but in a way that we cannot conceive. He lives without all the blockages we associate with the human experience. Jesus radically redefines what being "human" really is.

Jesus, fully God and fully Man. The very image of the invisible God, manifested the Father loving fully and without restraint. He was without a doubt the most approachable Man ever. Learned scribes, pagan centurions, lepers, fisherman, prostitutes, wise men and children came to Him freely, confident they would be received. And when they were sent away by anyone else, this Jesus pursued them.

The pains of rejection cut to His very heart. He was moved - in groaning and longing - with compassion without embarrassment or shame. He openly wept, for Israel, for His disciples, and for His friends experiencing the agony of the death of Lazarus without fear of being "emotional." In righteous indignation He fashioned a whip and purged His Father's house.

He never worried about what people thought. He didn't have to. He didn't protect His reputation, He didn't defend Himself from the local rumor mill about His birth or His eating and drinking. He didn't push away friends He knew would leave Him alone in His final hours, instead He opened His heart fully, inviting them in to the longings of His heart at the last supper, showing immense vulnerability to a man who would deny Him, and agonizing before the Lord in their presence with tears like drops of blood. I could go on and on. Like that song by Jon Thurlow, "There's never been a Man that's so alive." A God-Man that was not afraid to experience the full spectrum of emotions, and by so placing His seal of Divine approval - sanctifying them forever.

And this is the one I have been united to in death, and raised in eternal life - one with this Man. This is what I am being transformed into, from glory to glory. Am I prepared to live so fully alive?

So here I sit, getting ready to go to bed with a bit of heaviness. and I go through a little "Living with an Open Heart" exercise:

1. What am I feeling? "A dull throb in my chest, and a tear slipping down my cheek. Again."

2. What am I smelling? "Nothing, my nose is clogged."

3. What am I tasting? "Salt"

4. What am I hearing? "Jesus, Broken, Poured out for Sinners..."

5. What am I seeing? "The glow of my laptop screen and a day in the distance when I won't feel quite like this."

But I am feeling, and my heart is opening and learning to feel without fear. And I ask that I may see the Jesus who wept when He heard of the death of Lazarus, and knew of the grief of Mary and Martha weeping for me now in my own trivial-it-may-be sorrow. And day by day and choice by choice I am transformed into His likeness. This Man, so alive has ushered in the era of the new humanity in which we are set free to be just like Him.

Some days, I get a little discouraged and wonder what impact what little I'm doing really has. I wonder about my life, my worshiping, my work, and this little website of mine. This website is a little piece of my life. A corner for personal expression. I design the pages, think about the content, wish I had more money and time to dedicate to crafting something attractive, and writing something truly impacting. I don't know if I will every accomplish either of those objectives. But I try to write what I'm thinking and feeling, and hope that someone will come alongside and find a kindred spirit, a helping hand, an encouragement, or just some understanding.

Tonight I was checking on my statistics, and I b-lined for my favorite; the search terms. People find this website from the most amusing of ways, and it's usually good for a laugh, but here's what I saw tonight.



Suddenly I wondered what happened. Did she do it? Did something she may have read here change her mind?

Unfortunately, I will probably never know. But it did remind me of how much capacity we truly have for impact. We just need to get God's perspective on what "impact" really looks like. Whether it's our heartfelt blog that opens a door to Jesus through authenticity and sincerity, or whether is a friendly conversation with the Barista at the local cafe, or whether it's simply carving time out of the schedule to meet and talk with a friend.

On another note, I started thinking about search terms. If my life had search terms, what would they be?

creative, Song of Solomon, eccentric, Divinity of Jesus, devoted, prophetic, marketing, singer, commune, website, IHOP, artist, overcommitted, worship, quirky, pastoral care, humanity of Jesus, music, expressive, TheCall, bitter root, twitter, photography, CSS, hidden, Father heart, mixed media, straightforward, Endis, inner healing, songwriting, where is my home, authentic, pilgrimage, Spain, Drupal, big mouth, wholehearted, adoption, shofar.

It's 10 o'clock on Thursday evening. I'm sitting at home alone watching a 3-hour documentary on Carthusian monks called Into Great Silence. Before you make assumptions about my piety, let me tell you that this seemed like the most boring way to spend an evening imaginable! But since my boyfriend is out of town for 3 weeks, and my best friend is working tonight, I thought I'd give it a try.

Sure enough, the first 30 minutes or so were torture. My mind was racing with all the other more productive things I could be doing, emails I could be checking, twitters I could be typing, Facebook posts I could be making... Because this documentary doesn't move at the pace of a normal film, I had plenty of time to be completely distracted. But as the minutes gradually turned to hours, the stresses of my day, and the distractions of my heart slowed their frenzied pace at the lullaby of the monotonous tones of the monks night prayers. I found myself reflecting; able to grasp my heart more fully than I have in a long while. It must be so relaxing to be a Carthusian monk.



I invite you to ask with the hard questions with me:

Why do I do what I do? Right now, I seem find myself fast-paced, stressed out, and going a million miles. Nothing is simple, everything is multi-tasked and extra-complicated. I'm glued to my Crackberry, I check CNN, Twitter, Facebook, Beenup2 and my email just before going to bed and just after getting up. I rush from meeting to meeting, and have a rather short fuse. Why? Do I feel obligated, am I being pressured? Is this pressure coming from other people or myself? Am I afraid of being a failure? Am I purposely avoiding my life by keeping "busy"?

What am I doing that the Lord hasn't asked me to? Neville Johnson says most people spend their entire life making apple pie for God to get to heaven and discover He doesn't like apple pie. In what areas am I making apple pie, and can I stop? Sometimes I get myself knee-deep in commitments that the Lord never asked me to make, but by the time I figure that out, I'm still required to maintain my integrity and my word. Lesson learned from experience was [insert voice of the Lord here] "Don't make a vow that you don't intend to keep and I didn't ask you to make." And surely, obedience truly is better than sacrifice.

What are the areas that the Lord has said are important? When I ask this question and wait on the Lord, what He says is never what I expect. I expect something like, "That really obvious, high-level ministry-related thing is what is really important to ME." but that's never it. It's more like "having a regular lunch date with your father, being deliberately vulnerable and honest with your boyfriend, being patient with your roommates, not lashing out when you are misunderstood or sideswiped at work, taking time to sing to Me, and not just in front of people as your "ministry," These are the kinds of things I hear when I listen. If I would do that more, I know my priorities and life would be in better alignment with the heart of Jesus. I'm still learning.

I have this tendency to completely over-commit out of sheer desire to be helpful. Then I get so bogged down that I go completely nuts, always frenzied and frantic, unable to give anyone the attention and love that they need, running around with much ado about nothing.

I just watched a monk glue a shoe. It took like 15 minutes to glue the sole onto this shoe. I saw him prepare the materials, peel back the sole, apply the glue, blow on it, and hammer the sole down, and there's no background music. But you know what I didn't see? Impatience.

Whatsoever you do, do it as unto the Lord.

more to come, sooner than later.

I've been spending my spare time watching the mini-series Christy that I got at Sam's Club. Watching this, I've noticed a few side effects. Namely, an inadvertent southern drawl, usage of phrases like, "Well I reckon'..." and an irrepressible urge to French braid my hair. Watching this also makes me want to move to the hills of Tennessee and become a missionary/school teacher.



I've been stripping wallpaper in my house and am repainting. I have attempted for my four years of house-sitting to restrain those decorator tendencies, but I was simply unable to hold back anymore. A year of looking at this hideous wallpaper every time I walked into the house was simply too much for me. Why did people wallpaper? It was just a bad idea. The work, trying to line up those patterns, all the glue, and most of all - the removal process.



I went out with friends Shelley Paulson and Rebekah Fancher to take some pictures out in a field when we got back from California to practice lighting and such. I was a willing accomplice. You can see more of Rebekah's photos from our day out at her flickr site.



TheCall California with Lou Engle was on November 1, 2008 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, California. Shelley Paulson took some amazing photos that you can see at TheCall's Flickr.

I am taking a class at IHOPU called "Christology II" instructed by Stephen Venable.  Last spring, I led worship for his class "Mystical Life of Communion" and it was amazing.  I think it should be required for everyone at IHOP.  The first week of this class focused exclusively on establishing the Divinity of Jesus through the Scripture, the second week focuses on His Humanity.  My next few blog posts, which are currently in the works, will focus on some of the meditations that this class is stirring up including the Divinity of Jesus, the Incarnation, and the Humanity of Jesus.

Jesus is God

Many Christians don't worry too much about the Theology of Christ, they say things like, "I just want to love Jesus" implying that they don't want to worry about all that "other stuff"  While I am definitely a proponent for the simplicity of devotion to the Lord, we have an obligation to know as much as we can about this One that we say we love, and ensure that our "love" is directed to Jesus, and not a false conception of who He is.  We must come to Him on His terms as revealed by the Scriptures.  

In light of the coming crisis, be it the actual end-times, or simply the growing anti-Christ atmosphere in the nations, confusion on the Person of Jesus will lead to a "great falling away" in the church.  In our culture of "tolerance," the conviction that Jesus Christ is the only way to the Father is highly offensive.  We would be much more politically correct if we would embrace Jesus as a way to the Father among many ways, a man among many other men.  But the fundamental statement that Jesus is God in the flesh is the only thing that distinguishes our beliefs from those of Islam, the New Age, Mormonism, Jehovah's Witness, Judaism and various other groups.  In our post-modern era, we have forgotten that the only thing that makes us "Christian" is Christ.  Not our morals or principles, not our small groups or churches.   Agreement with that statement should be, and will again one day be the definitive identifier of who is a "Christian."  

In our post-modern area, we have drifted so far from this confession, although to the early church, this is what defined someone as a follower of Jesus.   Romans 10:9 makes it clear that salvation comes by confessing that Jesus is the Lord, and believing in your heart that God raised Him from the dead. It is not enough to believe in him as a person, to follow his teachings, to think of him as a moral leader, a prophet, or a great man.  None of these ideas equate to Scriptural salvation.

Scriptures for Meditation:

"And now, O Father, glorify me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was." John 17:5

Jesus, show me Your glory, the glory that You shared with the Father before the world began.

 "For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible...All things were created through Him and for Him...and in Him all things consist." Colossians 1:16-17

Jesus, the world was created by You and all things are upheld by the word of Your power.  (Hebrews 1)   

Many of you out there know that I am adopted. Maybe you've read my previous blogs on the spirit of adoption (if not, read Some Day I'm Still an [Adopted] Prodigal,), or maybe you know me personally and have heard my story.

When it comes to my blogging on MY adoption, I stay pretty vague on the subject for a couple reasons. One of which is, though I've never personally met my biological mother, she has commented on this blog post before. I can't describe how strange it is to receive an email from someone you are biologically and genetically connected to, emotionally confused by, and relationally distant from. That's the thing about the internet: I am suddenly very easy to find. My thoughts are laid bare in an online journal that any Google search can uncover. AND I don't really know who's reading. Maybe it's a sibling I don't know about, or don't know about me! It could be the biological father or aunts and uncles, or maybe my mom who has become quite proficient on Facebook these days; the list goes on.

When I talked to my boss and fellow blogger, Randy Bohlender about writing about his recent adoption of infant twin girls, I thought it would be a piece of cake. Sit down, write about my story and the significance of adoption, link to his blog to hear their story, tada. Well, I've been mulling on it for a week, and still no post.

I live in a community that boldly champions the sanctity of LIFE, and I unashamedly believe that human life, whether the product of rape, unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, or the possibility of handicap, is to be protected, sheltered and loved. I vehemently oppose abortion and stare straight into the face of a "woman's right to choose" and political ideologies. My own life hung delicately in the balance, and I could have so easily become one of the 40+ million babies sacrificed on abortion's altar of convenience. Would someone look me in the eye and tell me I should have been aborted?

But a "press statement" just isn't enough. It's not enough for us to simply say that we don't agree with abortion, we have to do something about it, something more than a protest or picket line.

I have been able to join with Lou Engle and his ministry, TheCall which champions the raising up of an adoption movement to face this giant called "Abortion." Everywhere TheCall Gatherings have gone, adoptions have followed. People like John and Tracy Loux, Randy and Kelsey Bohlender, Steven and Kristi Cooper, and dozens more in my own neighborhood putting action to opinion and providing a loving home for babies that could otherwise face abortion or the foster care system.

In rereading this little note, I guess this stuff all needs to be said, but I still kinda feel like it's "weak sauce" in really sharing my heart about this. I'm going to take a break to go on a little autumn excursion, and write more later...

In conversation, I have realized that perhaps my thoughts on God are a little unorthodox. I just assumed that all "believers" felt the way that I do. Perhaps this is not the case.

I have great expectation in God. I believe that He speaks today, and will speak frequently to me personally through pictures, whispers, deep impressions, inviting memories and recollections (yes, I've sung that), Scriptures, contemplations, heavenly visions, dreams, trances, prophetic words and more ways than I can ask, think or imagine. I am convinced that He cares about my relationships, my financial struggles, my friendships, the romance or lack thereof in my life, the uncertainty of my future, and everything else about me. I am convinced He is intimately acquainted with all my ways, and not just so He "knows," but so that we can walk together.

When I come to a crossroads in life, I wait with full expectation that God cares about my particular situation and has specific direction. I recognize that by the very nature of having God-given favor upon my life, things I put my hand to will many times succeed - but I must know that this success is not necessarily an indication that I am in the "will of the Lord."

I don't wonder a lot. I trust that the Lord will clearly speak to me through the aforementioned ways. I make a little time and space to listen, and sometimes He breaks in even when I'm not listening, because He's faithful and He leads me. I guess if He didn't give me clear direction, I'd keep doing my spiritual disciplines and trust Him to work it out. I think about Jesus doing only what He saw the Father doing - and I don't want to live any differently.

That all seemed pretty standard to me before this conversation. Tonight I realized that many people don't live like that. My friend described his experience in God as simply "plugging along and waiting for God to broadside him if He wants to tell Him anything." He has no expectation to hear from God in the day to day, and that makes me sad.